The past couple of weeks have been rough on me. It’s like riding an emotional roller coaster and I never know when I’m on a peak about to head back down at racing speeds.
It’s like I’m experiencing the stages of grief. The first two weeks were denial. Not going to lie to you. I was in heaven not working. I was viewing the layoff as the universe’s way of telling me I had worked hard for over 15 years and it was time to take some much earned me time. I was heading to yoga, enjoying late morning lattes with the daily paper, and tackling home projects that I had put off for so long.
Well, that state of blissful denial ended I’d say early this week when I went on a tirade that would make a sailor blush. The Thinker was threatening to record the whole outburst with his new Flipcam to share on YouTube because he’s just certain some other husbands would enjoy it. Let’s just say that only added to my fury and did not at all leave me amused. The anger phase has seemed to be rather short and I believe I have skipped over the bargaining phase and went straight to depression. (Knowing me, I’m just doing this out of order and will start bargaining sometime next week.)
As I mentioned, The Thinker and I moved into a larger two-bedroom apartment late last month. I have been spending the last couple of weeks distracted with the assembling of IKEA bookcases and unpacking. Last night, I had to make a trip to Home Depot for lumber and a Phillips head screwdriver. This morning when I went to assemble the last of the IKEA purchases, I could not find the damn screwdriver. I went apeshit! I mean it was crazy how one little $0.88 screwdriver pushed me over the edge. I laid into The Thinker and after returning from the car, where the screwdriver fell out of the bag and was chilling in the trunk, I promptly apologized.
I proceeded to let out all these feelings. I feel like I’m in some warped state of purgatory and I have lost all control. Let’s be honest for a moment here…I don’t shower until about an hour before The Thinker heads home from work because I just don’t care. I will say I do shower if I need to run to the store or have an interview. Those moments are the only times I feel like I have any purpose. Otherwise, I’m just bonding with the cat, applying for jobs, trying to woo a prospective employer at an interview or over the phone screening or I’m assembling shit just to feel like I accomplished something for the day.
My worries have now shifted to money. I had saved a fair bit to get by for a couple of months to pay the minimums on my consumer debt, but that is going to be tapped out in about another month. The Thinker reassures me we will be okay, but there is this piece of me that feels my independence has been stripped away. Don’t get me wrong. I love my husband with all of my heart. I just need something that I could do without his help – that was afforded me with my job. I was able to make some financial contributions to the household and could pay my debt down. I was finally starting to make real progress, like I was on track to be debt free in 18 months. That has since been derailed.
I know The Thinker will be there by my side to help get us through this. We took those vows of “for richer or poorer.” I just worry I’m bringing an undue strain on this marriage within the first year. I know. I know. The more I fester over it; the more that will be the case. I just haven’t reached the point of acceptance. Instead, I have spent the last hour assembling a night stand and crying. Let’s hope acceptance arrives soon because I fear the desperation will start to seep into my voice in interviews if it hasn’t already.
5 comments:
I don't have any grand advice as I am also unemployed (though not from a layoff) and wondering what is the balance between self care and just wanting to be an adult already with a job etc. I don't offically graduate from grad school until next week and I'm already in the bargining/depression phase but trying to make myself remember that I worked hard (as did you) to get to a place in life where I don't have to take any job but can take a job that I love and will be successful at. I am able to do this because my parents love me and let me mooch and you're able to do this because The Thinker loves you and wants to help you.
As for delaying your debt pay off its not like its getting derailed because you bought a pair of shoes (or 10 pairs of shoes) its just a minor set back and you'll get back on the wagon once you have a funding stream again.
Anyway, this is long, but HANG IN THERE. It'll get better. And if you want company for your unemployment latte/job hunt let me know!
Remember what acceptance is. It is an acknowledgment of what IS. Anger, fear, worry, grief, fury, depression, all may still be present, but denial is gone.
Accept and move on.
It sounds to me like that is exactly what you are doing.
Blue, thank you. It's really tough because I usually deal with stress by purchasing fabulous new shoes. *sigh* And you are right about working so hard for the right job. I have been a little selective about applications because I want the right one, not just any.
Jerry, I'm trying. Today has just proved to be a bitch of a day in doing just that.
It is never easy, and "a bitch of a day" just makes it harder...but you will survive.
Dear You, Let me begin by telling you how much I love you! Secondly, I love that you love saying things about your "husband," it is too cute! Third, you are doing all you can! Freak outs happen and I love that The Thinker is there. Today was a bitch, may tomorrow be glorious! Love, Lil' Mama
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