Every now and then one just needs to cry

I've attempted to write this on several occasions, but had to stop...because, well, it's not cool to sit in your office with tears streaming down your cheeks over the lunch hour. Even more so, I don't like to cry in public nor do I want to be in a position where I have to explain myself should it happen.

As you know, I made the trip home over Labor Day to check in on my Grandpa. After getting him settled into a place providing full medical care, my sister and I made a point to check back on him that evening. There was no way we were just going to move him and not be there when he needed us. The image of him curled up in the fetal position on his bed and hearing the cries of pain will forever be implanted in my memory.

The strong man who picked me up when I crashed my bike in the drive way. The man that held me close after my first broken heart was not the man I witnessed curled up that night. All I could do was make every effort to ease his pain and ensure he was comfortable. Thankfully, my sister is not only a personal trainer that is crazy strong, but also a certified nurses aid. That night we ensured he was comfortable and stayed with him until he dozed back to sleep.

We spent the rest of our time visiting and caring for him while home. He wanted my sister on his right holding his hand and me on his left. As he put it, I would be his voice to fight for him and my sister would be his strength to care for him. And that's what we did while there that weekend. When Saturday night came and we said good-bye before heading home, my heart broke all over. He held tight and you could see the tears well up in the corner of his eyes when we explained we had to head home. His eyes pleaded for us not to leave. He just asked who's my voice now?

Those words just hung in the air for days with me. They still haunt my dreams. I called my Mom to check up on Grandpa to learn he calls for my sister and me. Mom said they had to update his files to explain why he keeps calling for us. Now if that doesn't break my heart even more.

I wish I could report of some miracle, but sadly that's not the case. I'm learning to cope and that every now and then one just needs to cry. Please excuse me while I do just that...