It breaks my heart

I knew this day would come, but I never wanted to consider it possible. He had been there whenever I needed his arms wrapped around me when the rest of the world was cruel. He was the one to give me a smack upside the head when I was being irrational and nothing else would bring me to terms with the situation. He taught me how to ride a bike, bait a hook and question when something deserved to be questioned. This man is my grandpa.

Grandpa was the man I ran to as a little girl. I’d curl up beside him in his oversized Lazy-Boy to watch the Packers or Royals. He’s the one I’d more often than not get into mischief with like the time we were playing catch with my new Nerf football and broke the light bulb on the ceiling fan in the living room when he told me to go long. He’s the man dropped me off and picked me up from school until I was old enough to drive myself. Grandpa is the one that I turned to when I needed advice in high school.

After I went off to college, coming home meant staying with Grandpa eating pie that he’d bake especially for me when I came home. When it came time to really leave home and move out to Washington, DC, who was the man to drive me out? You guessed it – Grandpa.

Since moving here, I write him once a month and tried calling weekly. Then I noticed he’d forget he was talking to me and just hang up the phone without warning. I’d travel home and it was like he’d aged years in the months between. I got the call last Friday that I couldn’t bear to hear. Grandpa was not doing well and I needed to book a flight home.

I then initiated a conference call – yes, I organized family conference calls – with my sister in Atlanta and my cousin in Casper, Wyoming. The best we can do is a trip home Labor Day weekend. We’re in the process of coordinating so our flights arrive and depart at the same time.

My mom calls with daily reports. As of now, Grandpa is not getting worse, but he’s not getting better. She describes him as frail and distant. Not at all the Grandpa I know. Not to say I don’t love this man, but, well, you can understand.

The thought brings tears to my eyes especially now as I type this sitting in my office instead of eating my leftover pizza for lunch. I had only hoped my little girl notion of being invincible was a fact.